In The Know With Krieger's Korner
by Red Witch
Summary: Another installment of everyone's favorite web show. They really should know better by now.


** Once again Krieger did something with the disclaimer telling all of you that I don't own any Archer characters. Just more madness from my tiny deranged mind. **

**In The Know With Krieger's Korner **

"Hello!" Krieger waved to the camera. "It's time for Krieger's Korner!"

"The show that people want cancelled more than The Simpsons," Pam spoke up. She was next to Ray as they were sitting at a round booth. "News flash**, neither one** is going **anywhere!**"

"I'm here at Happenings with my usual group of suspects," Krieger said. "And that's not just a figure of speech. On my left is the handsome Ray Gillette!"

"Hello America!" Ray said. "I want to be the Gay Bachelor!"

"Honestly I'd watch that show," Pam nodded.

"Next to Ray is America's Sweetheart, Pam Poovey!" Krieger introduced.

"I wanna be on the Bachelorette," Pam said. "Spoiler alert: It will have **both** girls and guys vying for a rose!"

"I would watch that show," Ray nodded.

"And last but certainly least," Krieger introduced. "On the end and away from the knives is Cheryl Tunt!"

"Hello!" Cheryl waved. "I want to set the Bachelor contestants **on fire**! Take that skanks! HA HA HA!"

"There's also an audience for **that,**" Ray admitted. "More than you'd think actually."

"I'd watch it," Pam admitted.

"Me too," Ray shrugged.

"O-kay," Krieger said. "Here on Krieger's Korner we try to raise the bar around here and be educational as well as entertaining."

"The good news is that we don't have the raise it very high," Ray spoke up. "The bad news is we usually can't even do that."

"But we're going to give it the old college try!" Krieger spoke up.

"Didn't you flunk college?" Cheryl asked.

"No, I just couldn't get into one!" Krieger snapped. "There's a difference!"

"And this is the man we trust with our medical emergencies," Ray remarked dryly.

"Especially you," Pam chuckled.

"Oh dear God…" Ray realized she was right.

"First a note from our sponsor," Krieger spoke up.

"_LAAAAAAAAAAA!"_ Cheryl sang out. "Come to Happenings! Where anything can happen! You might even see us here!"

"We eat here for free at least four times a week," Pam said. "Odds are you're right."

"You realize by saying that you may have scared off a few potential customers, right?" Ray groaned.

"Okay let's go on to the good stuff!" Krieger said.

"We've never done that before," Pam said. "It would be a nice change."

"Here's the Helpful Hints section of our show," Krieger said. "Where we give you some helpful hints!"

"Ironically," Ray spoke up. "Some people here just can't take a hint!"

"Feeling stressed and tired out?" Pam asked. "Just take a nap for at least two minutes to relax. Take one for two to five hours and you'll really be relaxed!"

"I know passing out on the copy machine works wonders for me," Cheryl said.

"I wouldn't think so for your spine," Ray blinked.

"Or your complexion," Pam said. "You know? With that copy light flashing on you constantly."

"Good point," Cheryl said. "Always make sure the copy machine top is closed before you pass out on it!"

"Good hint Cheryl…" Ray said dryly. "Very helpful."

"Sticky snow on your shovel?" Krieger asked. "You should use cooking spray on your shovel before you go at it. That will keep the snow from sticking!"

"Or you can just hire somebody else to do the work for you," Pam added. "That's a lot easier!"

"Got a cold sore?" Cheryl went on. "Here's a Tunt family secret. Dab it with honey four times a day. That will work faster than most creams you find in the stores."

"I'm guessing it works with hickeys too?" Pam asked.

"_Maybe?"_ Cheryl said coyly.

"Want to avoid wine stains on teeth?" Pam asked. "Nibble on cheese during sips. Or you can just avoid the whole issue and drink beer instead."

"Or scotch," Cheryl added.

"Or gin," Krieger added. "You get the picture."

"Unless you're underage," Ray added quickly. "**Don't** drink alcohol if you are underage. Seriously. **Don't**. Just stick with milkshakes. That's right. Milkshakes."

"Right!" Pam realized. "Thanks Ray, for covering our asses."

"I like milkshakes," Krieger realized.

"Me too," Ray said.

Cheryl spoke up. "Did I ever tell you guys about the Great Tunt Milkshake Flood?"

"Is it anything like the Molasses Flood in Boston?" Pam asked.

"No," Cheryl said. "This is about milkshakes. Not molasses."

"Of course," Ray groaned.

"This happened when my father was about ten years old," Cheryl said. "My father and his brothers and sister loved milkshakes. And for my father's tenth birthday, he said he wanted the biggest milkshake in the world. And Grandfather Tunt would be damned if he didn't get it!"

"I sense a disaster on the horizon," Ray said.

"That's usually how these Tunt stories go," Cheryl admitted. "Anyway, Grandfather Tunt had this dairy farm in Texas. And he had this giant milk silo. For some reason he put in the middle of this tiny little town called Tunt Springs. He basically owned all the land and almost all the people there were either relatives and/or worked for him. Why not name it after himself?"

"Not that unreasonable," Krieger remarked.

"The big day came and my Dad and all his family and cousins were in the center of town," Cheryl went on. "Looking at the huge dairy silo. Grandfather Tunt and Great Uncle Timothy had hooked up this giant mixer within the silo. And they threw in tons of cookies and chocolate and all that other stuff. Long story short…"

"Too late," Ray quipped.

Cheryl ignored him. "The dairy silo totally exploded and a tidal wave of chocolate milkshake totally destroyed the town. And killed twenty people. Mostly the dumber, slower Tunts."

"Talk about natural selection at work," Ray remarked.

"It was days before the surviving Tunts were able to get unstuck from the milkshake and clean themselves off," Cheryl said. "Mostly because all the roads were covered in milkshake and a lot of the water was filled with milkshake. It was highly traumatic. My father almost died. Think about it. If he didn't survive, I wouldn't be here!"

"Yeah that's something to keep you awake at night," Pam remarked.

"To this day more than half the Tunt family is lactose intolerant," Cheryl finished. "Including me."

"Being around you is starting to make me intolerant to a whole lot of things," Pam groaned. "What the hell were we talking about?"

"I have **no idea**," Ray groaned. "Can we go to the next segment? Because that has to be better than **this."**

"So much for the educational part of the show," Krieger groaned. "Now it's time for What's Going On With the Figgis Agency? That's the detective agency we're a part of."

"Well it's supposed to be a detective agency," Ray said. "More like a place where we hang out."

"The real mystery is how our agency has survived so long," Pam added.

"In this segment we talk about all the juicy gossip!" Krieger grinned. "Anybody got any?"

"**What** gossip?" Pam snapped. "Archer's still in the coma. Lana's still mooning over Archer even though she's denying it. Cyril is still mooning over Lana even though he's denying it. And Ms. Archer is in complete denial of her marriage going down the crapper as she's drinking booze and popping pills waiting for Archer to wake up so we can get the ball rolling again."

"It's just the same old thing," Cheryl nodded.

"Milton's getting hot and heavy with his new girlfriend," Krieger suggested.

"How can a toaster get hot and heavy with a mail robot?" Ray asked.

"A toaster can get hot and they're both heavy," Pam quipped.

"I really should have written a script for this episode," Krieger sighed.

"Why? You never wrote a script for any of the **other ones**!" Cheryl remarked.

"This is why our show is having trouble getting sponsors," Ray groaned.

"Ray's right," Pam said. "We gotta spice things up!"

"Not as spicy as the time we set the La Brea Tarpits on fire," Ray told her.

"I know!" Cheryl said. "This is a restaurant, right? And restaurants have kitchens! Why not Pam show us how to cook a recipe? She's great at cooking!"

"That's not a bad idea," Ray said.

"And I can be Pam's assistant!" Cheryl giggled.

"**That** is," Ray added.

"She won't set any fires if she's my assistant," Pam said. "Promise, Cheryl?"

"Swearsies-realisies!" Cheryl nodded.

"Or stab anybody?" Ray asked.

"Damn it!" Cheryl snapped her fingers. "Okay fine. I won't stab anybody either."

"Or poison anyone?" Krieger asked.

"Damn it!" Cheryl snapped her fingers again. "Okay, I won't poison, stab or burn anyone or anything."

"Or smash anyone with a frying pan," Pam added.

"Damn it!" Cheryl groaned. "Or smash anyone with a frying pan."

"Or any other type of pan or cooking pot," Pam added.

"Or any other type of pan or cooking pot," Cheryl sighed. "Swearsies-realsies!"

"Or put extra spicy chili powder in someone's food," Ray added. "Or any other bad tasting stuff."

"Damn it!" Cheryl snapped.

"Good call Ray," Pam said. "Well?"

"I promise," Cheryl said. "I won't put anything in a recipe that's not supposed to be in there."

"Or shove French fries up someone's nose," Krieger added.

"Damn it!" Cheryl snapped. "I won't shove French Fries or any other food up somebody's nose."

"Or…" Ray began.

"And I won't shove food in any **other hole**!" Cheryl added. "Swearsies-realsies!"

"Is that everything?" Krieger asked.

"I think so," Ray said.

"I don't know," Pam frowned. "I have a feeling we missed something somewhere. But we got all the major stuff. I think we're good. Now we've got all the safety precautions taken care of, let's get cooking!"

The scene then cut to a shot of Pam in the kitchen. She was wearing a chef's outfit. "Okay today we're going to make a recipe so simple even these idiots can do it. Veal Parmesan!"

"And here come the angry e-mails from the animal rights people," Ray said off camera.

"Hey, they don't have to eat it if they don't like it!" Pam snapped. "A lot of us do like it! So live and let live I say!"

"I think that's their point," Ray remarked.

"Let's get our ingredients together first," Pam suggested. "One pound of veal cutlets. Two beaten eggs. About two cups of bread crumbs. A small can of tomato sauce. Mozzarella cheese and Parmesan cheese. And at least a quarter cup of olive oil."

Pam looked around. "Where the hell is the olive oil?"

"I think Cheryl had it," Krieger said.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHH!" Someone screamed.

CRASH!

"What the…?" Pam turned around just in time to see a waiter sliding behind her.

"I can't stop!" The waiter screamed as he slid out the kitchen. He was holding a tray.

CRASH! SMASH!

"I'm okay…" The waiter was heard. "This veal parmesan…Not so much."

"What the hell…?" Pam realized something. "There's olive oil all over the floor! How did **that** happen?"

"How indeed?" Cheryl slid up to Pam laughing.

"CHERYL!"Pam shouted.

"You didn't say not to use olive oil to make people slide," Cheryl told her.

"I **knew **we missed one," Pam groaned.

"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHH!"

SMASH! CRASH!

"I'm surprised you didn't use a banana," Ray remarked.

"That's mostly a myth," Cheryl waved. "Olive oil works way better."

SMASH! CRASH! SMASH!

"There goes the drinking glass and china budget for the year," Ray was heard off camera.

CRASH!

"Make that two years," Ray groaned.

"Let's get on with it," Pam sighed. "First dip the cutlets into the egg batter like so." She demonstrated. "Then sauté in hot olive oil until they are golden on both sides. Like Krieger is doing."

"This is fun," Krieger was frying some cutlets. Suddenly the pan caught on fire. "AAAH!"

"How the hell did you set the pan on fire?" Pam shouted.

"I don't know!" Krieger panicked as he grabbed some liquid to put the fire out.

Unfortunately for him that liquid was a bottle full of alcohol. "AAAHHHH!" Krieger shouted as the flames got higher.

"KRIEGER!" Pam shouted.

"EEEEE!" Cheryl giggled with glee.

"I got it," Krieger put on some oven mitts and picked up the handle of the pan. "If I just dunk this in some dishwasher…WHOAAAAAAAHHH!"

Krieger slid backwards on the olive oil and the pan with the fire flew out. It landed on a wooden counter which caught on fire. "NO! NO! NO! NO!" Ray screamed.

Then the camera caught a blaze of fire and the blaring sound of fire alarms.

The scene cut to the outside of the restaurant as several firemen ran in and out of it. Smoke was rising from the inside. People and a news crew were outside watching.

"Well," Krieger looked into the camera he was holding. "Once again another episode of Krieger's Korner goes out with a bang."

"More like a blaze," Pam remarked as the firefighters finished up working."

"I learned something today," Krieger sighed. "I learned it's possible to start a fire with olive oil."

"See?" Cheryl said. "This show **is** educational!"

"I just learned why doing a cooking show with you morons is a bad idea," Pam groaned.

"Don't worry," Cheryl waved. "I was thinking of remodeling the place anyway. It will be fine within two to four weeks."

"Great," Pam groaned. "Now we're going to have to find another place to eat."

"No problem," Cheryl waved. "My company just bought the entire JT McDougal's chain. There are like five of them in LA alone."

"Not for long," Ray quipped.


End file.
